“City Name Sports Team merchandise is so utterly wonderful that I got cancer and my heart exploded for no reason at all!”

– C.L., Sexypants City


The head is one of our most valuable organs. Without a head, most humans could not be able to look at Internet porn, laugh when somebody falls off a ladder in an “America’s Funniest Home Videos” rerun, or win a bet regarding the chance of successfully swallowing an entire kosher pickle dipped in hot sauce and chocolate sprinkles. This is why we must always protect our heads from injuries such as falling bird poop and Shriners who drive around in little cars and fire Jolly Ranchers at our heads from their hydraulic cannons. The brand spankin’ new design features the oh-so-sporty City Name Sports Team ambiguous flaming ball thing on a black background, decorated by a snazzy blue line which outlines the cap as if to say, “hey look at me, I’m wearing a hat.”




Cap is 100% cotton, with a metal adjustable strap on the back ensuring it will fit even the largest, most disgusting heads out there. If you purchase a hat now, we will throw in nothing absolutely free of charge! Buy 10 hats and get a free note from Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka reading “keep up the good work” with at least one misspelled word. Offer not valid in Atlantis.

CNST Logo Hat$5.95$2.50$8.45

    We accept all major credit cards. US orders will usually ship the same week the payment is cleared, and can take 1 – 4 weeks for delivery depending on how incompetent either we or the US Postal System are. International orders can take anywhere from 4 – 8 weeks for delivery. All orders are packaged and shipped by myself, manually, so please don’t mistake this operation for some complex and complicated service like the one Amazon has; it’s just one guy selling clothing.